The Story of Quork, the Ex-Happy Plumber Guy
by nsane1
Summary: The first, I believe, parody written about Yahoo! (and you'll understand it more if you've ever used Yahoo! Groups...)
1. In the Beginning

Author's Note: If you've ever used Yahoo! Groups, and you've ever seen the site down for maintainance, you've seen the Yahoo Plumber guy. Well, now here's his story...  
  
The Story of Quork, the Ex-Happy Plumber Guy  
  
There was once an ordinary plumber guy. He wasn't any different from any other plumber guy you'll meet.  
  
Well, his name was Quork, but that's besides the point.  
  
Quork was a happy plumber guy. He had gone to plumber school for several years, so he got a lot of jobs and made a lot of money. It also helped that he had really good hearing. The sole thing he was missing in his life was love.  
  
But it didn't trouble him too much.  
  
At least, not at first.  
  
But as the years went on, and Quork fixed more and more plumbing systems, at more and more houses in which lived more and more couples, Quork realized that he was missing something.  
  
He thought maybe it was furniture, because most of the houses were cluttered with stuff. So he went and got terribly lost in the never-ending maze they call IKEA. Yet, being the happy plumber guy that he was, he was able to follow the sounds of flowing plumbing water, and emerged with much furniture and the happy news that IKEA's plumbing was in top condition.  
  
Quork got home and put his furniture in the various rooms of his house. He arranged it. He rearranged it so he could hear the sounds of rushing water no matter where he was. But still, that something was missing.  
  
And then one day he realized, while he was sitting on his new 100% leather couch watching Moulin Rouge! playing on his new Sony big screen TV which sat upon his new walnut-finished home video entertainment system:  
  
He had never been in love.  
  
And according to the movie, this was a terrible thing. Nearly as terrible as getting lost in IKEA.  
  
So Quork decided to find love.  
  
But it was awfully difficult.  
  
First, he tried going up to ladies on the street. After several contacts with their hands rather than their lips, he decided that wasn't the best approach to find love.  
  
He didn't give up.  
  
Next, he tried personal ad services, like the ones he saw on his TV. His ad perfectly described him:  
  
"36-year old happy plumber guy. Lots of stuff. Needs love."  
  
Unfortunately, that was all his ad said. After weeks of wondering why no one ever called him on his new Motorola cell phone, he sadly gave that idea.  
  
But he kept trying new ones.  
  
After days and days of torment, with only the rushing sounds of his plumbing system to keep him company, he hit upon the perfect solution:  
  
He would go find a job. And not just any job. A big, super plumbing job, for someone more important than himself, and he could then impress the ladies. He could just imagine going to a singles club and saying, "Pleased to meet you, yes I am the guy who made the plumbing at corporation X a complete success!" They would fall all over him.  
  
Just then, the phone rang.  
  
"Hello?" he said, picking up the receiver on his M&M phone that sung and danced.  
  
"Hi! My name is Courtney! Am I speaking to Quork?" she asked in an obnoxiously cheerful voice.  
  
"Yes," was all he could say.  
  
"Oh, that's so wonderful! I was hoping I would be able to speak with you!" she exclaimed in a nauseatingly happy voice.  
  
"Yes," he said again.  
  
"Well, I'm representing the Yahoo Corporation, and I was wondering if we could hire you to fix the plumbing at our headquarters!" she told him in a disgustingly jovial voice.  
  
"Yes!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Good! That's absolutely splendid! Can you start tomorrow?" she inquired in a sickeningly joyous voice.  
  
"Yes," he agreed.  
  
"How very nice! We'll see you tomorrow!" she finished in a revoltingly sunny voice.  
  
"Yes," he said, not bothering to wonder who the 'we' was, since he was only speaking to one person named Courtney.  
  
The next morning, he showed up at the Yahoo Corporation Headquarters, where he was ushered into a suspiciously white room... 


	2. The Saga Continues

Disclaimer: I don't own Yahoo, I just make fun of it. I also don't own any parts of songs that I mangled in this part, including songs from Annie and Phantom of the Opera.  
  
Author's Note: This part is dedicated to Rae the Hyper Purple Girl  
  
Quork, The Ex-Happy Plumber Guy: The Saga Continues  
  
The room was very white. But that didn't faze Quork too much. After all, maybe these Yahoo people needed to be clean.  
  
A woman walked up to him.  
  
"Are you Courtney?" Quork asked.  
  
She gave him a puzzled expression. "No, I'm Rutabega."  
  
"Where's Courtney?"  
  
"Who's Courtney?"  
  
"Where is she?"  
  
"Where is who?"  
  
"Courtney!"  
  
"I know that! Who's Courtney?"  
  
"You fired Courtney?"  
  
"Who's Courtney?!"  
  
"You fired the phone lady!"  
  
"Oh! No, sir, she only works on phones. My name is Rutabega, and I'll be helping you find where you need to go in Yahoo! Corporation Headquarters!" There was that sickeningly sweet voice like the one he had heard over the phone.  
  
Quork smiled happily. "I am a plumber," he announce proudly.  
  
Rutabega nodded pleasantly. "That's great! We need a plumber."  
  
Quork smiled happily. "Where do I start?"  
  
Rutabega nodded pleasantly. "I'll show you soon enough."  
  
Quork smiled happily. "Okay."  
  
"Great, if you'll just wait here for a few minutes, I'll just go arrange a few things." Rutabega turned to go. Her pleasant nodding turned to a look of pure evil.  
  
Half an hour later, Quork was still smiling happily and looking around the clean white room. He wondered when he would get to work on the plumbing systems. He smiled happily. They sounded like they needed work.  
  
"QUORK!"  
  
He smiled happily at the loud voice that had boomed out of nowhere. "Yes?"  
  
"QUORK!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"QUORK!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"QUORK!"  
  
Quork looked around nervously. "Who...where are you?"  
  
"I AM EVERYWHERE!"  
  
"But that isn't possible!"  
  
"IT IS FOR ME YOU IDIOT! I MEAN, OF COURSE I CAN BE EVERYWHERE!!!"  
  
"Oh. Okay," was all Quork said.  
  
The voice began to sound slightly exasperated. "AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK WHAT I WANT WITH YOU?"  
  
"What do you want with me?" Quork repeated dutifully.  
  
"I WANT TO EAT YOU!!!!"  
  
"But you're just a voice! How can you eat me?" Quork asked, a confuzzled expression on his face.  
  
"I JUST CAN, OKAY? STOP MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT!"  
  
"Okay!" Quork said cheerfully. "Go ahead and eat me!"  
  
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"WANT TO BE EATEN!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CRY AND BEG NOT TO BE EATEN! YOU'RE GOING TO A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE PLACE!!"  
  
"But I don't know that!" Quork told the voice.  
  
"I JUST TOLD YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO BE TRAPPED IN YAHOO FOREVER!!!"  
  
The implications of this were starting to sink in to Quork's little brain. How was he going to fall in love if he was trapped in Yahoo! Corporation Headquarters forever? "Please, Mr. Voice, don't trap me in Yahoo forever!"  
  
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *COUGH COUGH COUGH* AHEM. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!!!"  
  
"But...but..."  
  
"NO BUTS!! NOW PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!"  
  
Quork looked around, now thoroughly terrified. "Don't go, Mr. Voice!"  
  
"WHY NOT?"  
  
"Because...I want you to stay!"  
  
"REALLY? YOU DO? I MEAN, I CAN'T STAY! YOU HAVE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!"  
  
"But...but I'm scared!"  
  
"THAT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME!!"  
  
"Are you really just a voice?" Quork asked. "A cold-hearted voice."  
  
The voice suddenly burst into tears. "VOICES HAVE FEELINGS TOO, YOU KNOW!"  
  
"I'm very sorry, Mr. Voice, I didn't mean-"  
  
"NO ONE EVER MEANS TOO! NOBODY LIKES ME, EVERYBODY HATES ME, GUESS I'LL GO EAT WORMS! FIRST ONE WAS SLIMEY, SECOND ONE WAS GRIMY, THIRD AND FOURTH CAME UP!"  
  
Quork was slightly nauseated by this, but said, "Maybe if you told somebody your problems..."  
  
"WOULD YOU LISTEN? NOOOOBODY KNOOOOOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEEEEN! NOOOOBODY KNOOOOOWS MY SORROWS!"  
  
"I'll listen, I'll listen!" Quork said quickly, trying to stave off any more songs.  
  
"WELL, ONCE UPON A TIME, I WAS JUST A YOUNG VOICE, DOING THE THINGS THAT YOUNG VOICES DO, LIKE SCARING PEOPLE AT HAUNTED HOUSES OR MAKING UNTRACEABLE PRANK PHONE CALLS-"  
  
"It sounds like you had a wild-"  
  
"DON'T INTERRUPT ME! WHO'S TELLING THE STORY HERE, ME OR YOU?"  
  
"Go on!" Quork said.  
  
"AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS JUST A YOUNG VOICE, WHEN ONE DAY, YAHOO CAME AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO BE THEIR VOICE! IT SOUNDED LIKE THE PERFECT THING TO BE! YELL AT PEOPLE OVER A LOUDSPEAKER AND SCARE THEM OUT OF THEIR MINDS AND TELL THEM TO GO TO THEIR DOOOOOOM!"  
  
"It sounds like fun, I guess."  
  
"IT ISN'T! SOME OF THE PEOPLE CRY AND BEG AND ONE TIME, SOMEONE JUST KEPT SINGING! I'VE GOT A LOVERLY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DOBUHDEEDOO, HERE THEY ARE STANDING IN A ROOOOOOOW! BIG ONES SMALL ONES EVEN THE LITTLE GREEN ONES!-"  
  
"I get the point, I get the point! It sounds like an awful life!"  
  
"IT IS! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE, FOR ME! IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE, FOR ME! NEVER GET TO GO OUTSIDE! JUST GET TO SCARE PEOPLE INSIDE! IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIFE!!!"  
  
Visions of little orphans danced through Quorks head, but he shook them out and said, "It sounds awful!"  
  
"IT WAS, BUT YOU DON'T REALLY CARE!"  
  
"Yes, I do care! Really, I do!"  
  
"NO YOU DON'T! NOBODY CARES! WELL, YOU JUST WAIT! YOU'LL SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TRAPPED INSIDE AN EVIL CORPORATION!"  
  
"No, but Voice!"  
  
"NO BUTS! DOWN YOU GO TO THE DUNGEONS OF THE BLACKEST NIGHT, LEAVE ALL THOUGHTS OF THE WORLD YOU KNEW BEFORE!!! IN THE DARKNESS LET YAHOO NOT LET YOU BE FREE!!! ONLY THEN CAN YOU BELONG TO MEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
The floor opened and Quork was swallowed up.  
  
To Be Continued... 


End file.
